It feels odd that I am writing about being gratefull for finding out I have a painful medical condition, but lately my "glass half full" attitude has stalled on me and, given my line of work, I was starting to imagine pretty awful stuff. After all, why should I have any right to expect something benign during a week when I have watched a family try so hard for divine intervention that they left little room for their 42 y daughter not to feel like a failure for finally succumbing to her disease.
Miracles do happen, but they don't always look like we hope they will. Personally I think that patient achieved her miracle just by having the strength to finally get home from hospital as sick as she was and hooked up to so many tubes and drains but that is no consolation to her minister father and loving husband who called 911 and did CPR on her in front of her 12 y old son.
So, yes, I am deeply relieved and gratefull that the pain in my back and arm, and the numbness in my hand is a good old "garden variety" ruptured disc and not some bizarre cancer metastasized to the bones in my spine. I guess I hadn't realized how much I was expecting "bad news" until the doc called ( called!) with results and I had to sit down. The fact that he was willing to talk and it wasn't one of those "could you come to the office for an appointment" calls let me off the hook right away.
I have started steroids ( hence no sleep yet at 230 am) and big dose Ibuprofen and have even had a few nights of Valium for muscle spasm with surprisingly little effect. I thought the meds would really knock me for a loop but pain is a pretty strong stimulant. I've also noticed it has heightened my sense of smell (and I smell worse when I hurt!...more than you need to know).
But my pain will be temporary. There will be an end in sight and probably no lasting effects or need for surgery.
What a wake up call for mindfulness. I am trying to appreciate this pain for what it is telling me. Slow down. Appreciate your life and those around you more. Don't try to do too much (yes, even at yoga! ...no more head stands or striving to do the hardest position just because others can). I am more aware of the symptoms my patients face every day after these last few illnesses. I can empathize with the time it took them to finally get their answers and to the frustration of trying to describe the severity of those symptoms without being seen as "weak" or "whiney" or (particularly for us women) "just stressed out". In some ways it was reassuring to have something "real" (to medical men) to corroborate and confirm the pain. I know now what this is..and what it is not and i am grateful just for that.
