Walking and Weeding

There's a whole other world out there... Who knew? Now that I am walking my neighborhood streets to avoid going stir crazy after my job position was abruptly "non-renewed" I have come to discover a totally different way of life. One where people can appreciate the change of seasons - the tang in the air as fall approaches - the different birds migrating through as they head south - the insect calls: the shrill buzz of the cicada and the gentle call and answer of the evening katydids.  And I am finally meeting many of my previously unseen neighbors after living here 23 years. But then, how would I ever have met them before when I raced out at 730 am and didn't return until well after 730 pm most nights?
I've started tackling odd jobs in the house such as cleaning out closets and drawers that have accumulated decades of dirt and debris. It feels a fitting metaphor for what has to happen now in my life. How do we get sucked into that busy life pattern day in and day out. And why (without it) do I feel somehow less valuable to this world? I frequently run into people who awkwardly congratulate me on my new "freedom" but I don't yet feel ready to truly inhabit this new life.
Walking helps - if I can just quiet the chatter in my mind. I've found that if you walk fast enough your breath takes on a rhythm that can actually be quite absorbing in itself. I find myself making up army style cadenzes hoping to burn the words into my being... "I am kind and smart and strong" (I am kind and smart and strong) "I can walk all morning long" (I can walk all morning long). Stand Strong (Stand Strong) 12 (12).....34!
That works for about an hour or so but the day is still interminably long and can be wasted in the blink of a cursor if I get sucked into the internet black hole. It doesn't help that I've stopped my ADD meds too. After all this seems the safest time to see what the heck the meds are (or aren't) really doing for me with no chance of endangering a patient by forgetting to close a loop. The lack of meds has led to some interesting daily routines.  I start in one room fully absorbed in some partially completed cleaning project but within an hour I almost always end up outside weeding.
Weeding. Momentarily satisfying for your immediate visual progress but ultimately another time sink because a week later the weeds are back (how convenient). I find myself filling one or two wheel barrows full of them and admit to leaving them visible when my husband and son come home as if to say "see I really did do something today". I can't tell if I end up weeding to escape being indoors being "productive" on the computer updating my resume and applying for jobs I'm not even sure I want anymore or if I just really miss being out doors having worked such long hours for so long.
It's true.. the job never loves you back. I admit to feeling jaded about committing that kind of time and emotional energy in any job ever again. Don't get me wrong - I loved the patient and family contact at my hospice job, but who cares for the caregivers? I really hope that any place I would work for in the future would protect their resources, their caregivers- not use them up and start over again on a fresh younger batch.
So for now, I clean out my closets, I walk and I weed. And I wait for what tomorrow will bring hoping to stay quite anchored in the present for a change.