Gratitude

 I've been working with a life coach lately. Sounds funny.. I'm retired and NOW (?) I get around to working on me? But there it is. And I have to admit I am enjoying this.  I know it sounds cliché, but I wish I had started this years ago. 

Part of what drove this action was my observation that I had lost some of my innate positivity when my working persona was released. I was aware that I now dreaded someone asking "what do you do?". My response would be to hesitate,  then launch into an unnecessarily long description of how I came to my retired status, and that it wasn't my choice but a "corporate cruelness". 

Retired. The word used to make me cringe. People expected you to enjoy retirement and here I was mourning the loss of a lifetime of over-work and (corporate) under-appreciation. So I dutifully looked for work again and was hired at a corporate office as, of all things,  "Director of Wellness" for a few years until my sister's serious illness gave me the opportunity to step away from everything again on my own terms. Quite a leap to go from Family Medicine Physician to Hospice Medical Director to Director of Wellness to just me...

A lot has happened since I left medicine. I have been physically present for the birth of my first grandchild and welcomed another granddaughter during the first weeks of the Covid Pandemic. This spring we said goodbye to a treasured family pet of 22 years and hello to a first grandson. My sister died suddenly and far too young, but not from the horrible disease that could have taken her independence in a way she would have despised.  My parents are still together and enjoy the small everyday blessings of life now that quarantine is lifted.  My husband and I keep growing together over the years with more quiet time. I fear I take him for granted and want to work on nurturing our bond in a better way.

And so, I will start my gratitude practice. I will wake every morning thinking of a few close people, with us or gone too soon, and send my gratitude to them. Instead of a stress producing to-do list I will try to start with gratitude and love. "Oxytocin, not adrenalin" says the retired physician.